


through the eyes of an onlooker

by moonbabe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Crying, M/M, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, ig lol im not good at writing angst, ill add tags as i go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 00:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13915326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbabe/pseuds/moonbabe
Summary: Kenma has waited so, so long. He has said nothing. He's kept it all to himself. He's sat through the fights and the rants and the fourth wheeling. He thought he was strong, he really did. But eventually, people do break. That's an inevitable fact in life.





	through the eyes of an onlooker

**Author's Note:**

> HI lol im back on my bullshit.  
> this is vent-ish so my intent wasnt to make it coherent but for me to feel good  
> a note, bokuroo is ult notp (no offense) i hate it. so i felt it was the perfect ship for me to use! im just...sad. like pudding man.  
> anyway enjoy lma0

“Kenma. Kenmaaaa. Kenma-chan!”

Kenma blinked his eyes, his gaze loosening from his phone’s screen. He grunted. He kept his head low, but let his eyes wander to the face of the man in front of him. “Whatcha’ playin?” Kenma let his eyes fall back to his screen. He set the phone on the coffee shop table and slid it towards Kuroo. “New scout.” Kuroo hummed, pointing out the new URs and SSRs. “That’s great! I’m glad your grinding went off well.” Kenma nodded, taking the phone back.

Kenma was meek. Sassy, but meek. He kept everything in and everything out. Nothing escapes his locked lips, no matter how pressing. That being said, he’s kept one secret to himself for a very, very long time. He’s watched Kuroo go through several relationships, seen him walk through the front door of his apartment shirtless and drunk. It was pitiful.

And yet he always wished he was the one in Kuroo’s room at night, downing shot after shot with him, holding his hand at night. But it never happened. It would never happened. And he had accepted this.

Didn’t make it hurt any less, though. That pinch in his heart that told him, screamed to him, “You want that. You want that with him.”

 

Kenma ignored it.

 

“So, how’s the boyfriend. You haven’t talked about him for about an hour.” Kuroo smiled, bright as day. “He’s doing well as per usual. You know, Akaashi and him had a match today and…”

Kenma tried to care. He truly did. ‘Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always ask about him? Ah, fuck.’

“... and he sent some pictures of the gym. Isn’t it huge?” Kenma looked up to see Kuroo shoving his phone in his face, the screen lit up by the radiant grin of none other than Bokuto Koutarou, Kuroo's newest obsession.

“He even had Akaashi take a video of him doing a whole lap around the thing, and it’s like 5 minutes long! Isn’t that so cool? The chat got a damn kick outta that.”

 

Kenma nodded. He watched the clock on his phone tick tick tick away, 11:33, 11:34, 11:35. He scrolled through his phone and pulled up Line, shooting a message to meet him at the bookstore near his house. “Sorry, I have to be somewhere.”  
Kenma shot up, pulling his things into his bag and grabbing his coffee. “Shouyou needs me.”   
Kuroo’s eyes widened, stopped mid-sentence. “Sure man. Catch up soon?” Kenma nodded, before rushing out the door as soon as he could. He shoved his headphones on and cranked the volume. He didn’t want to hear the words echoed in his head. He didn’t want to hear his own voice betray his thoughts. He didn’t want to hear. He didn’t want to hear. He didn’t want to hear.

 

He sped down streets and alleys, the tears running quick and hot down his face. He felt dry, lifeless. He couldn’t keep it up like he used to. He was almost 22 now, he was getting older. His mental stamina was wearing, wearing thinner each time he looked into those glorious golden eyes. Wearing each day he said ‘yes’ to every fourth wheeling event, agreed to go to the party at his place only to sit drunk and depressed on the bottom step out on the steps downstairs to the basement.

 

He was sick and tired. He wanted to move on.

 

He couldn’t. He knew he would keep this with him till the very end, that no matter how hard he wished he would never get what he wanted from this life. Yes he was successful. 4 years of college, 4 years of trying to cut off Kuroo to focus on himself. 4 years of having Kuroo bounce back like a virus. He worked with a game company and got good pay, he had flexible hours and freetime between each project.

But every waking breath meant nothing if he was constantly hiding from what he knew would make him combust.

The tears kept falling as the store came into view. He almost got ran over by 3 cars on his way, but even if he was hit he didn't quite care. He felt too numb. Too dead.

The orange hair of one of his closer friends came into view, and he broke into a run. The figure turned to face him, and before he could greet the blond man, he was already fusing over his wet face and red eyes.

 

“Kenma, what happened? Are you ok? Who do I need to spike across the sea?”

 

Shouyou’s arms hovered over Kenma’s forearms, knowing it was a boundary he was not to cross. Kenma sniffed once and leaned slightly into Shouyou, who took it as an ‘ok’ and embraced him as hard yet gracefully as permitted.

They stood there, beside the automatic doors, in the middle of summer, Kenma’s coffee cradled between the two like a child. Kenma’s headphones had been shoved off at this point, still blasting the American rock Kenma loved so much. People passed and gave them odd looks, wanting to help or ask what was wrong. Every time Shouyou just shook his head and smiled, whispering a quick “thanks, but I have it covered!” as they went.

 

After some time they parted, Shouyou offering to let Kenma stay over at his and Tobio’s apartment. “You still have your luggage from last time, so you should be ok!” Kenma nodded weakly. He had held that in for a while, a few months at least. He felt ashamed. He barely ever cried, he didn’t allow himself too. Not in public, not in private. And yet he had cried over a dumb crush that had lasted far past it’s expected expiration date.

Shouyou guided him through the now crowded streets of the afternoon shopping spree down to the apartment him and Tobio had shared for a few years now. As both had well paying jobs, Tobio was a writer for a large company and Shouyou became sort of a hit on the volleyball world, they had a fairly large space. Not too big though. 

Shouyou jiggled the key in the lock and opened the plain front door. Kenma murmured a soft “sorry to intrude” into the empty air as he shoved off his Van’s off and set it next to Shouyou’s.

 

“Kenma’s here for a lil, kay?” Shouyou yelled off into the hallway before making a detour into the kitchen. A door squeaked open and Tobio popped his head out into the hallway. He nodded at Kenma, who nodded back. Tobio then went back into his little cave, probably writing his new manuscript for his boss.

Shouyou arrived back next to Kenma with two plates, both filled with a single slice of flan. “Wanna go to your room?” Kenma nodded, even though it wasn’t really his room. It was the spare that he usually stayed in. True, he had most of this old clothes in the closet for when he stayed over, and his spare charger for his phone, but the house was his friend’s and not his; he had no right to claim it.

 

Kenma settled on the fluffy queen bed that was pushed all the way into the corner next to the window, while Shouyou kicked back into the swivel chair with fraying padding and rusted wheel.

“You were hanging out with Kuroo again, weren’t you?”

Kenma nodded. This wasn’t the first time he’s run to Shouyou with his tail between his legs. I probably wouldn’t be the last either, knowing him.

“You have to say something, Ken. It’s not healthy. He wouldn’t just stop being your friend after all these years.”

“I… I know that. But I really can’t. I’ve tried! I’ve tried to hide it deep down in me, I’ve tried to tell him, nothing works. This is the longest boyfriend that’s ever lasted Shouyou. He’s here to stay. Kuroo won’t change for me. He almost never changed for me. He adapted, yes, but he never changed. He won’t yell around me, but I’ve heard him get rowdy when he thinks I’m not around. Kuroo is too stubborn for that.”

They sat in silence for a bit, Shouyou taking bites from his flan while Kenma scrolled twitter and picked at his food.

 

“You know that I know how you feel.” Kenma held his breath. No tears. No tears. No. Tears.

“Who knows. You never said anything to him. Maybe he feels the same and has just tried to like, distract himself! Ken, you don’t know for sure because you  _ haven’t spoken up.  _ No one but me and you know, y’know.” Kenma clenched his jaw. He wasn’t going to let himself cave again. They sat in silence again, Kenma refusing to speak and Shouyou at a loss of words.

 

Finally, defeated, Shouyou collected his plates and left the room with a quick “text me if you need anything,” and like that the door was closed and Kenma was alone.

So he blocked Kuroo, blocked him everywhere, tried to hide everything related to him.

He sat on his phone for an hour, logging off all his social media, setting his Line to “busy”, and turning his ringer off. He needed to breath.

He took a large gasp and started to cry.

 

-

 

It was dark outside when he woke. The house was quiet except for the mechanical rustlings of the AC and barks of the neighbors dog. Kenma rubbed his eyes, turning on his phone to see several missed calls from Kuroo. He narrowed his eyes and swiped away the notification. He should know when to stop trying.

The time in the corner of his screen read “5:29” in bold, white lettering. Kenma flattened against the mattress.

“This is the life I’m living, huh?”

He sat up again, shrugging off his jacket before getting up to remove his pants, shuffling to the closet for a fresh pajama pair instead. He tossed the jacket and pants onto the floor near the chair before climbing back into bed. He reached into his bag, pulling out the tangled snake of his headphone wire, before plugging it into his phone and raising the volume.

He needed to drown his thoughts, suffocate the feelings rising in his chest. Tears slipped from his closed eyes as he shrugged the blankets over him. He didn’t need Kuroo, he thought, he was whole as he was.

 

-

 

He was not whole.

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS 4 READING ur the real mvps xoxo  
> (there will b more i promise)


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